Calling Grizzly Adams

I've recently had a style epiphany. This is the sort of thing that really only happens to men, mostly because "fashion" is an item that's fairly low on our priority list (for reference, it falls somewhere between Christmas cards and the WNBA Playoffs). And for those who know me, you'll know that I consider myself fairly fashion conscious - meaning that I have a subscription to Esquire magazine, own at least 5 pairs of jeans that do not have the words "LEVI", "Wrangler", or "GAP" anywhere on them, and drive 25 miles each way every two weeks to get a $50 haircut. Which makes style epiphanies all the more rare and wondrous for me. But, seriously... seriously when did everyone start having a beard again?

I mean, I really thought this was the sort of thing that we outgrew as a culture and not one of those fashion "trends" that would come in and out of style every couple of decades; things we never want to see again, like the mullett and copious amounts of pubic hair. The whole thing just seems unsanitary, doesn't it? Centuries of razor technology and you've still got the grooming habits of Cro-Magnon Man? What's next, a leopard skin singlet?

Seriously, a beard has got to be the most reliable indicator of douchebaggery since the visible gold chain. For reference, there are really only two ways to go with facial hair: (1) you just let it grow unfettered, or (2) you groom it into one of a myriad of "styles" - both of which seem equally ill-advised and horrible.

The Grizz

Just letting the hair on your face grow unchecked is the easiest way to say "I don't care" since Crocs came out. It's like wearing a little notice to strangers that you have a job that requires you to "punch in" and wear a name tag. Of course with that bush strapped to your chin, you could be a superstar actor between blockbuster films or a maybe a comedian, but let's face it, you don't look like Tom Cruise even with the better part of your face covered, and the only funny thing about you is how you look with that Chia Pet chin of yours.

I'll bet you'll tell me it's worldly, or that it's your way of defying the establishment, but in reality, everyone you see is checking out your clothes to evaluate whether you're homeless or not - and there's nothing worldly about that. You don't live in a cabin in the wilderness where you might need it for warmth - you live in a crappy apartment in Van Nuys... so what gives? Razors too expensive? You're wearing a $200 pair of jeans! And as far as counterculture goes, that become mainstream fifteen years ago, wake up and smell the Seattle. You're not making a statement, you're making a scent. Do you even comb that thing? I think you might have some noodles stuck in there from last week.

I've never met a woman who thinks this is attractive. Wait, scratch that, I've never met a women who regularly shaves her legs that thinks this is attractive. Amongst the many other ridiculous things that it is, a free-growth beard seems to be ticket to a lifetime alone - or with the kind of girl who thinks Renissance festivals are "cool".

The Groomed

Thankfully, this type of facial hair is far more common in southern California than the other. But while it is marginally less dispositive of one's predisposition towards hourly employment and a general lack of direction, it is much more indicative of someone's overall douchery.

Note, however, this usually doesn't apply if you're over 40. Once you're a grown man, you've earned a goatee, mustache or tastefully trimmed beard. It may even look good on you. But, if you're over 40 and you have a soul patch, a Fu-Manchu or have trimmed any shapes into your facial hair - age aside, you're still a douche.

A quick aside on my descriptive terms... according to the Wikipedia (the global oracle of second-hand knowledge):

Douche bag, or simply douche, is considered to be a pejorative term in most of the English-speaking world. The slang usage of the term dates back to the 1960s. The term implies a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and malice.

...but, to be honest, if you don't know what a douche is - much like the knowledge passed on in Rounders about "suckers" - you probably are one. Enough said.

Seriously, though - groomed facial hair on anyone under the age of thirty just makes you look like an ass. When did this come back? The last time I remember 5 o'clock shadow being cool Don Johnson was running round in a white linen suit with a pastel colored t-shirt and George Michael was still widely thought to be straight. Unless you actually own and ride a Harley, six inches of goatee just looks silly. And no, your Kawasaki Ninja does not count. And please don't get me started on lamb-chop sideburns or anything that's pencil thin. People who grew up in the seventies are still embarrassed about those 'burns, and anything that looks like it could be reproduced on your face by a little eyeliner and some free time is probably not as manly as you think.

* * *

I suppose that the reality of this is that it's much like bolt-on exhaust pipes, skinny jeans for men, and The Hills; things that I'm simply too old to understand. I imagine there comes a time in every adult's life when they realize that, in some part, they've been left behind - and that there are no longer any music videos on MTV. But I'd like to think that I've still got a sense of what looks and what doesn't look ok.

In a world where emasculation seems to lurk around every corner, I can certainly understand the need, the compulsion, to establish one's manhood at every opportunity (which, as it turns out, makes skinny jeans all the more perplexing to me). Many great historical male figures cut their profile with a signature bit of facial hair. But it's important to note that these men were also wearing union suits and codpieces for underwear.

Want to man up? Try fixing something in your girlfriend's house. Want to look dangerous? Get a leather jacket. Want to rebel? Get a tattoo. And if you really want to spend time doing something to your face that will make you look all grown up, for God's sake, shave.