On 35...

Birthdays have gone from being a time to simply celebrate to a time to reflect on where I'm at and where I'm going in my life... and then having a celebration to cheer myself up after doing so. Although, since I'm not crossing a decade marker, I imagine most folks won't see much significance in turning 35. But, 35 is a more significant age than you think. It's the age at which you officially leave the world's most influential spending and cultural demographic (males age 18-34) and move into the demographic being targeted by pharmaceutical advertisers and Time-Life books. You may think these are just arbitrary divisions, but trust me, the folks in advertising know a whole lot more about important ages than we do.

At 35 we're supposed to be a whole lot less capricious. We're supposed to be set in our ways, and no longer subject to the whimsy of passing fads and current fashions. We don't just have clothes, by now we've got a wardrobe. We should know the difference between a good bottle of wine and the swill they sell at Trade Joe's and have seen all of the films nominated for Best Picture before the Oscars are announced. We drive defensively and look at teenagers and find it impossible to believe that we were once ever that young, stupid or poor at dressing ourselves. No matter what the bars, lottery commissions, military branches, religious laws, convenience stores or laws tell us, 35 is the real marker of adulthood; plain and simple.

So, here's to the tragic and untimely death of my youth... you will be missed.

I can say, that for all things I did not do during my days of wine and cheese, I did manage to learn quite a few things. In fact, I would venture to say that I learned more in the past 35 years than most folks do in many more, which I owe to less to my penchant for observation than I do to the extraordinary good fortune I've had to meet and learn from some amazingly smart people. Either way, I've decided to reproduce a few of the finest lessons I've learned here, for the benefit of both a younger generation, so that they might have a bit of a heads up as they careen through their own youths, and the generation that preceded mine, for the peace of mind that comes from knowing that despite our shortcomings, the newest members of the "adult club" are much wiser than our fresh faces belie...

1. Music will never, ever be as much fun as it was in the 80's... (nor will it mean as much as it did the 60's, or be as original as it was in the 70's). These things are not relative - they're absolute. Every generation does not have its Beatles.

2. It is o.k. to not care what people think, it is not o.k. to not care what everybody thinks.

3. Unless you are a professional hockey player or a lumberjack, a beard is almost always a worse idea than you think it is.

4. Anyone that you can see naked for free is almost always someone you don't want to see naked. (e.g. nudist resorts, streakers or nude beaches).

5. There have never been, nor will there ever be, teenage stand-up comedians. Because despite what they think, teenagers are not funny.

6. Reality TV has lessons to teach us, but only a few: While you can't buy love, you can buy a hot wife/girlfriend, the road from narcissism to sociopathy is paved with cameras and red carpets, and never underestimate the capacity of someone's greed to outpace their better judgment.

7. If you think you have more friends than you can count, you probably don't have any.

8. Partying in Hollywood always sounds like a better time than it actually is.

9. The only reliable way to tell how old a woman is, is to look at her hands; and

10. There is a big difference between being frugal and being cheap, one is smart and the other is disgusting. Consequently, while one can save you the trouble of overspending, the other can save you the trouble of having any friends.

* * *

In the end, turning 35, like many of the past ten or so birthdays, passed with a little fanfare (thanks to my girlfriend), a little depression and anxiety, the well-wishes of family and friends, and an otherwise unimpressive subsequent sunrise. Marking these specific occasions seems a little less important each year, as it takes nothing to accomplish them save continuous breathing. But I'm happy to report that after three and a half decades on this rock, I've both made an impression and learned all that I could - which is all I've ever expected of myself. Besides, I don't really like to think of myself as "getting older" until the first year I can look at my pictures and think to myself that I'm not, at least, a little better looking than I was the year before - so, to that end, here's to what 35 years of progress can do for one really ugly kid.