Driving Down Crime

Racial profiling is a volatile and hot-button issue, which pits our ever-increasing desire for personal safety in an era of terror and violence against the desperate defense of our civil rights as their systemic erosion seems more and more inevitable. We all like to think we know what criminals look like, but then realize that not everyone that looks like our stereotypical criminal is one nor does every criminal fit such a description. Bernie Madoff looks about has harmless as your accountant, yet perpetrated the world’s greatest fraud; while Chad Ochocinco (of Cincinnati Bengals fame) looks straight from a gangster rap video, gold teeth and bad fashion sense included, and has never had anything more than a speeding ticket. There isn’t really any easy way to resolve this matter, and I won’t presume to do so here. But there is a type of profiling that is not only non-discriminatory, but also appears to be wildly effective; a way for law enforcement officials to locate criminals without ever seeing the color of their skin or the way they’re dressed. And that is: vehicle profiling.

It’s certainly no violation of civil rights. You can look and look in the Constitution (Bill of Rights included), the Federalist Papers, the Declaration of Independence or even Locke’s Social Contract theory and never find a mention of a right or relegation to a certain kind of vehicle. The car you drive is not an immutable trait, and is not culturally exclusive. What you drive and the way you drive are some of the most American freedoms that we have. In fact, it’s hard to imagine a more universal example of our freedom of expression than our vehicles. And therein lies the genius of this new science. Because our cars say something about us that we’ve chosen to say out loud and to the world at-large.

Reckless Drivers

As the world, and consequently, traffic moves ever faster, reckless driving has never been more dangerous. And I know how to spot it before it happens. If you see a compact car that is painted some obscene color or has rims that appear to cost more than the vehicle or, and this one is essential, has a bolt on exhaust device that makes the otherwise-economy car sound like a jet-powered leaf blower, that car will engage in some sort of reckless driving within five minutes, guaranteed. It doesn’t matter who’s driving; their race, gender or socio-economic background are meaningless. If you follow that car, they will break the speed limit, engage in street racing, accelerate in a reckless manner, or any other number of traffic violations that endanger other drivers, pedestrians and bystanders. And they will do it quickly. Who needs speed traps? These cars are easier to spot than Waldo on a page with only two people. In a world of champagne colored Lexus SUV’s, red Mustangs and silver sedans, how hard can it be to locate the lime green Mitsubishi?

Don’t believe me? Then try it for yourself. Follow one of these cars around for the requested five minutes and see if you don’t see something stupid. I’ll bet you a metallic purple Honda civic with an airfoil that you do.

Proximity Alarms

Of course, it’s not just the type of cars that can be profiled, it’s also the condition. Want to know which car has a habit of following too closely in traffic? It’s the one with enough dents in the front to make the bumper look like your ex’s teeth. Want to know which car is prone to sudden and dangerous stops? It’s not the service truck with that actual warning on the back of it. Nope. It’s the car whose rear end has more pock marks in it than the kid who serves me my fries at McDonald’s. That’s the most effective way to say “keep your distance” since the hippy hatchback covered in bumper stickers. The fact that these vehicles haven’t been fixed after multiple accidents is also telling - the driver knows there’s no point in spending good money on fixing something they’re bound to break in the near future.

Why not keep a closer eye on these folks before that add another notch to their belt (or their bumper)?

Minivans

Listen. I get it. It’s not like you can ferry around a good-sized family in a standard vehicle, but if I had to pick out the most consistent type of vehicle that I see involved in dangerously bad driving, it wouldn’t be the aforementioned “sport imports”, the dent brigade or any of the other vehicles here, it would unquestionably be the mini-van. Aside from its abject emasculation and uncoolness so pervasive that it actually makes the cars around it start to suck, it appears to be the last bastion for the driver whose awareness bubble extends no further than their front and rear bumpers. And unless you drive one (and, for some of you, even if you do) you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Of course, we can’t say anything or do anything about it. There’s probably a family in there, which is the most inviolate thing in America next to the flag itself. No matter how badly a family acts, you can’t really say a thing about it (including the Kardashians, the Gosselins and even the Gottis). Which is why I’m certain this would be the most difficult part of my profiling plan to implement. But I’m absolutely confident that you can follow a minivan (especially on the highway) for less than five miles and see some manner of public endangerment: impeding the flow of traffic, signal-less lane changes, and general highway dumbassery, just to name a few. Seeing a minivan in the left lane of a highway is like seeing Kevin Federline in a music studio: technically they’re allowed to be there, but it’s probably going to end in disaster, or at least a lot of angry and frustrated people.

Cargo Vans; Big, Dark, SUVs, and Toyota Trucks

Windowless cargo vans were the best thing to happen to perverts, kidnappers and burglars since the car itself. If you see an unmarked cargo van anywhere near a residential area or any non-industrial area after business hours, you don’t need to wonder whether it will be involved in something nefarious - you can just know it. It should constitute probable cause just to see one of these things.

Additionally, if you see an oversized SUV (e.g. Cadillac Escalade, GMC Yukon or Chevy Suburban) that is dark enough to not actually see into any place except the windshield, there is something in that vehicle that they don’t want you to see. And it’s usually not the driver or passengers.

Finally, if there is an early model Toyota truck driving around (i.e. late 80’s, early 90’s vintage) with tires balder than Dr. Phil and a suspension that looks more worn out than the springs on Paris Hilton’s bed, during rush hour please, please, please pull this car over. You want to know what causes accidents? Cars that stall in the middle lanes of the highway, or on busy interchanges and on ramps because they should have been fixed or taken out of service years ago. Listen, there’s something wrong with that car that you can give a ticket for (broken light, emissions, uninsured, etc.) and you’ll prevent more accidents than you ever could by pulling over the college student who’s texting in stop-and-go traffic.

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In the end, it both is and isn’t true that you are what you drive. A cool car won’t make you cool if you’re not, and an expensive car won’t make you attractive (it may, however, get you a hot date). A hybrid car doesn’t make you a better citizen and truck that can pull a house doesn’t make you more manly (however, pulling a house with your truck does). But the new-found glamor of behaving badly, or at least selfishly to the point of endangering others has enabled those mostly likely amongst us to engage in such behaviors to advertise it with their means of personal transportation.

People that buy red cars know that they’re three times more likely to get pulled over for speeding - and yet they still buy, and there’s no outcry over red car discrimination, because hey, red cars do tend to speed (though they’re not the only ones). So why not expand this vehicular profiling past hot-colored sports cars and onto the ones detailed above, and many more that I’ve certainly overlooked (suggestions, anyone?)? You never know, all those cops on the street might finally actually make them safer ... or at least more likely to use traffic stops to stop actual criminals instead of those of us just trying to get where we’re going or simply most likely to pay the fine.