Shades of Lame

California has more days of sunshine than another other state in the union, and this comes as absolutely no surprise to anyone who’s paying rent or a house payment here. The weather is often considered the primary reason for the premium we’re paying to live here (mostly because the rest of it seems to really suck for the price) and, in fairness, it is pretty awesome for it to be 85 degrees and sunny on Thanksgiving. But with this much sun, you would think that California would have mastered the art of wearing sunglasses. Unfortunately, it seems like no one’s getting it quite as wrong as we are. The constant abuse of sunglasses appears to have risen to epidemic levels and I just can't keep quiet about it any longer. Although there are countless other methods of abusing this eyewear staple, I have outlined the three most egregious offenses below in the hopes that I might reach enough of these people (or people that know them) that they will return to using sunglasses for keeping the sun out of their eyes rather than for demonstrating their outright douchebaggery. But if not, at least after today you’ll know that you’re not the only one laughing at them.

White Frames

White framed sunglasses for men are an integral part of the douche apparel trifecta (along with the iconic trucker’s hat and Affiction/Ed Hardy t-shirt) and may be the worst thing to survive the 80’s since the New Kids on the Block. To be honest, I’d rather still be seeing girls with crimped hair and pegging my jeans than watch some Douchey McChoad pimp his knockoff white RayBans like he’s trying to channel Corey Haim from License to Drive. There’s simply nothing masculine about white sunglasses. Which is not to say that everything a man wears needs to be a leather biker jacket or an Armani tuxedo, but c’mon, this is the eyewear equivalent of a denim mini-skirt. You can wear them, but as fair warning, the two things everyone’s thinking when they see you are: 1. I wonder where his boyfriend is, and 2. I’ll bet he wears those inside and at night. Which brings me to my next point:

The Light Unkind

I understand that sunglasses aren’t simply utilitarian; they can be as much a fashion statement as anything else you have on your head, but they have a time and a place: and those are during the day and outside. You might have a really cool umbrella, but wouldn’t you be kind of an ass if you carried it around open when it wasn’t raining? There are a number of exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, they probably don’t apply to you. I imagine that most of the ego-bloated asswipes (both male and female) who insist on wearing their shades inside and at night are trying to be mysterious, and keep us wondering what’s going on behind their dark frames; but we don’t need to wonder, because the only thing they’re hiding is that minimum-wage stare that accompanies a brain nearly choked off from meaningful input and filled mostly with malt hops and bong residue.

As for the aforementioned exceptions, they include:

1. Anyone famous enough to be photographed by paparazzi while they’re at the airport (note: this isn’t you);
2. Professional poker players playing at a World Series of Poker event (note: this isn’t you); or
3. Any professional law enforcement/physical security agent (e.g. Secret Service, FBI, P.Diddy’s bodyguards, etc.) (note: this still isn’t you).

As a general rule, if you’ve got your sunglasses on indoors or after sunset, and you’re wondering if you should or not, you shouldn’t. If you’re not wondering, then you’re the douches we’re talking about.

A Bug’s Life

I’m not quite certain when women’s sunglasses designers started getting into a competition over who could make them the biggest, but I am certain that the only real loser in that battle is the women who wear them. To say that these things look kind of ridiculous is like saying that Lindsay Lohan has a bit of a substance abuse problem. There hasn’t been this reliable of a bitch indicator since the pet chihuahua. Honestly, I swear that Barbara Bush would look like a entitled bimbo in some of these shades. The only point I can imagine to having outsized frames (unless you’re an actual clown) is to hide the majority of your face - which seems sort of counterproductive if you’re trying to get people to notice you. I mean, if more than 50% of your face is covered in black plastic, just how reliable of an impression can you possibly make? What’s more, I’m quite certain that there’s nothing sexually attractive about looking like a bug - in fact, there isn’t even such a fetish listed in the Psychopathia Sexualis (and believe me, there’s some perverse shit in there).

The only explanation I can possibly muster is that this is simply the latest trend that has been preached to women by the beauty-industrial complex. The BIC, which controls the vast majority of information consumed by the modern woman, has, in recent memory, given us a wide variety of ridiculous, unflattering and inexplicable fashion trends, such as the gladiator sandal, the poncho and the skinny jean. The giant bug shades are just their latest item of Emperor’s New Clothes. Trust me, no matter what the girl at the counter tells you, you look like a well-dressed praying mantis in those things.

* * *

Listen, Timbuk 3 and Corey Hart notwithstanding, I think we all know deep down inside what and when we should and shouldn’t be wearing with regard to sunglasses - and I think that the way it’s gone here in California is simply a function of our own unwillingness to point out the ridiculousness going on around us. We seem more content now than ever to ascribe shameless self-promotion and the incessant need for attention to idiosyncratic personality quirks rather than systemic social failures. Unfortunately, I think the sheer volume of these behaviors seems to favor the latter. But for my part, I’m content for now to provide a little volume and clarity for that still small voice in your head that sees someone wearing sunglasses like those mentioned above and whispers in the hopes you’ll repeat it, “Take off those stupid ass sunglasses.”