1. ADMITTING IS THE HARDEST PART - You, yes, you make mistakes in bed... and contrary to what you may believe your vagina is not so magically wonderful that we don't notice. Oh, we may not SAY anything, but we noticed. The sexual revolution was FIFTY years ago, and the secret is out, WOMEN ENJOY SEX TOO ... so stop acting like it's a favor you're doing for us.
2. TAKE IT ALL OFF - Listen, if we're having sex with you, we like your body... ALL of it, so leaving your shirt on because you think your breasts are too small is just stupid, and you're not fooling us... it's not as though we think, "Well, I can't see that part of her so it must be FANTASTIC!" Get naked!
3. LINGERIE IS NOT FOR US - Asking us what kind of underwear we'd like to see you in is like asking a shark what kind of seasoning he'd like on his next kill... The fancy underwear you buy is for you to feel sexy, or for your girlfriends to tell you you look sexy in. Two things you should know about us - (1) we're not looking at THE LINGERIE in the Vicky's Secret catalog, and (2) if we think you're hot, we will HONESTLY think so NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE WEARING (especially if it's not much).
4. MAKE SOME NOISE - We understand you being shy when we first meet you. We understand you being shy when you meet our friends for the first time. Hell, we even understand you being shy when we're out in public. But, please, when it's nakey-nakey time, a little feedback is nice. I mean, you don't have to get into the full on nasty talk (but it's ok if you do) but a little moaning, or geez, even a little heavy breathing is nice encouragement. If all we wanted was peace and quiet, we would already be SLEEPING.
5. NIPPLES ARE THERE FOR SHOW ONLY - Okay, we understand how you can be confused about nipples... Yours are beautiful, unique and fun. But please understand, ours are simply decorations. No matter WHAT you've read in magazines, or heard from your friends. It does literally NOTHING for us for you to touch, lick, caress, etc. them... and if I EVER find the person that invested you all in the idea that BITING them is ok, I will drag them out into the street and kill them with a shovel.
6. HAIR PULLING - Another one-way street. Listen, we get that there are certain "positions" and situations where you ladies (especially with the long hair) like this - and most of us are happy to oblige... but please understand, our hair is MUCH closer to the roots, and it HURTS when you do it to us... additionally, while we like it when you take charge from time to time, we DO NOT LIKE being on the receiving end of the whole domination-submission thing. Plus, if we ever do go bald, we'll likely blame it on you.
7. DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL - Listen, we know it's not cool to ask you if you've climaxed. We don't like asking. It has all the charm of tripping while carrying dinner to the table, and similar appeal. But please understand - there's NO FOOLPROOF WAY TO TELL... and while we love you being a little mysterious and YES that's part of your appeal, would it hurt you to let us know? Aren't you glad that we're concerned? If you don't feel like you should have to tell us, then perhaps we feel like we shouldn't have to induce your "super-secret mystery orgasm".
8. THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO SCREW UP FELLATIO - Teeth. Enough said.
9. THAT BEING SAID... - When we were 18, we BELIEVED there was no such thing as a bad blow job. Mostly because we were so happy to be getting one, and it barely took a dirty movie and a stiff breeze to get us off, so we didn't really care. But things change, and yes you can be bad at it. If we're not barely holding on to keep from "finishing"... you're not doing a good job, period. We're not like you, we don't need a warm up and some secret technique that is unique to each one of us - just ask the one of your friends who you KNOW knows what she's doing... or one of your "fabulous" gay guy friends... they know, it's not THAT BIG of a secret, and it's not rocket science.
10. THE ONLY THING I'LL SHAVE FOR YOU - is my face. And yes, I want you to shave yours. Yes, I know it's a double standard, but I also pay for dinner and carry all the heavy shit from your car. Yours is built for shaving - it's flat. Ever tried shaving the outside of two coconuts in a Safeway bag? It's a bad plan, and you're damn sure gonna cut that bag - no thanks. We trim, you shave. It's kind of like: we sweat, you glisten. If you want to see completely hairless male genitals, your options are: rent a porno, date a porn star, or a 13-year old... the only one we'll stick around for is the first one.
11. PLINK, OW! - There is nothing, repeat NOTHING cute about plucking the one or two random hairs that may occur on our backs or shoulders, ESPECIALLY after sex. Is it not enough that we only have one or two? Is it too much to ask that you simply NOTIFY us, and let us handle the removal? Please. Nothing is more certain to guarantee you WON'T be getting a "Round 2".
12. IF YOU WANT TO YANK ON A JOYSTICK - Buy an old Atari, and leave us ALONE. That's about as much fun for for us as "fisting" is for you. It's sensitive, that's why it HURTS SO MUCH to get kicked there. If we want it rough - rest assured, we'll say something. If you sense a look of pain on our faces - no matter WHAT we say, go with your feeling - it's hurting, so STOP!
13. WE HAVE ONE EROGENOUS ZONE - It's not: our backs, legs, arms, chest, neck, ears, and it's most definitely not anywhere near the ol' poop chute. Want to know what we're thinking when you are touching those areas on us? "Oh, I hope she gets to my dick soon!" Ok?
14. COSMO IS WRONG - The "100 Sexy Surprises to Drive Your Man Wild" article has at least 83 things that will make us NEVER WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU AGAIN. Here's a good litmus test: If you think it's something that we'll think is weird, crazy or deviant, DON'T DO IT. I'm not sure where they find the men they interview for these articles - perhaps in the offices of a magazine written for women - do you really think these are the men that should be advising your sex life? Want some advice from a magazine? Read PENTHOUSE LETTERS - YES, we know they're completely contrived - but at least they won't get you kicked out of bed.
15. TALKING ABOUT YOUR EX WHILE IN MY BED - Is just as off-limits for you as it is for us. Yes, we know you're just talking about his cool job, talking to him about his latest vacation to Spain, or some restaurant he owns, but unless you want us to mention how thin OUR ex was, or how fantastic her breasts were, steer clear. This is supposed to be OUR moment.
16. DRAPING YOUR LEG OVER US AFTERWARDS - and laying your head on our chest is perhaps one of the greatest feelings you can give us. Laying COMPLETELY ON TOP OF US AFTERWARDS is not. It doesn't matter HOW little you are, it's not comfy - and NO it doesn't mean you're fat. It makes it hard to breathe - we want to relax, too. GET OFF!
17. YOUR HAIR ITCHES - We love that it smells like flowers, we love that it's soft and pretty and we love to have it all over the place ... DURING sex... Afterwards, it itches, so do that flip and tuck thing that you do - and keep it away from us.
18. STAY IN THE MOOD - There are VERY few ways to not at least cause SOME sort of break in the action when it's time to install the prophylactic, and it usually was VERY, VERY hot right before we do. We are being responsible and respectful, so PLEASE don't take the opportunity to coax yourself out of the mood - not even SLIGHTLY. There is nothing worse than FEELING BAD for putting a condom on - they're not the most comfortable thing - and YES it feels different than without. So do your best to be just as encouraging when we're finally "dressed for battle."
19. HEAD IS A QUID-PRO-QUO SITUATION - and YES, that goes for both. You want head? You give head. Fair enough. But beyond that - Please know that no matter HOW MUCH we may love you, want you, etc. If you have ANY grooming issues, AT ALL, we're not goin' down there. And we know you feel the same way so it's ONLY FAIR. It's a big commitment for us, and a tough mission to take on, with a HIGH failure probability - if it looks like a beautiful flower, and smells like one too, it makes the whole thing a LOT better for us... and if it looks like a forest and smells like one, too? We'll tell EVERYONE.
20. WE FALL ASLEEP AFTERWARDS, GET OVER IT! - Okay, listen: there is absolutely no greater way for us to be sent off to dreamland than this - and it is a COMPLETELY NATURAL MALE RESPONSE to fall asleep after sex. Round 2 may happen, after we have a little 10 minute nap... Every moment you try and keep us awake? We like you a little less. If you have something to say, make it profound and keep it brief. The good stuff can be said in a few seconds. The story about "that bitch at work" can't. Anything more than a few sentences, we're not listening to.
6 comments:
Okay, I just laughed SO HARD I couldn't even finish my lunch.
Regarding #11, would it be totally offensive if I plucked my own back or facial hairs after sex? If it is, I've been committing major acts of foul play in an attempt to stop looking like the lost member of ZZ Top.
You're batting 1000 with these, Glenn! You had me rolling throughout, but oh-so true.
If I may, I would like to add one additional piece of advice to #8: the wetter, the better.
The wetter the better? I want to put that on a t-shirt.
I feel like I'm getting to know you intimately BTW - Yes, I just wrote a short-text form of "By the Way" - Funny stuff indeed -
Re: #2 - Yes, please leave it on - At least at first - Have you ever received a beautifully wrapped up present and the person who gave it to you opens it for you? - Not fun - I enjoy opening presents - And I enjoy getting to the center of a tootsie roll-pop as well - If a tootsie roll pop didn't have the candy shell, then it would just be a tootsie roll - Am I making my point?
Re: #4 - Geez, ever felt like closing a window so that your neighbors won't think that someone is dying in your bedroom? - Natural noises aside, keep it real - Ever listened guys lifting weights with huge vocal eruptions? - Same principle -
- Benn
Wow, you are SO WRONG about so much of this. Terribly, profoundly wrong. And sadly, much of it indicates to me that you're merely mediocre in bed, letting too much typical, mainstream, misogynist socialization around sex get in the way of really enjoying yourself.
Men have MANY erogenous zones. You might not. But many do. I've dated men who requested that their nipples be kissed, bitten, licked, etc. It even helps some men get hard. Others requested being kissed on their shoulders and a million other body parts. Learn to freakin' slow down and learn more about your own body. Also, the g-spot exists in men and is truly pleasurable (and alters - in a good way) the feeling of an orgasm for men who can be comfortable with their sexuality to deal with some butt action. So sad that so many men are too hung up about butt stuff to feel the pleasure.
MANY men want to go down on women REGARDLESS of "grooming" or whether it's reciprocated. In fact, a man's eagerness to go down on a woman with zest is one of the best ways to tell whether he'll be a good lover. One of the many reasons I know you're just okay. Today's "grooming" standards for vaginas have only existed for about a decade. The Brazilian wax literally didn't exist a decade or 1 1/2 decades ago. Men loved giving oral sex before then. Porn from the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s is full of men happily going down on wildly "ungroomed" vaginas. I've dated MANY men who got off on giving women oral sex regardless of whether they got it in return. It was their favorite thing to do. They sought out porn that showed cunnilingus.
Women don't like having their hair pulled any more than you do. You have a really bizarre theory that somehow it hurts less with long hair. WTF??? The myth that we love having our hair pulled comes from porn. And porn is based on male fantasy, not what women actually want or like.
Your shaving theory is similarly ridiculous. You say we should shave and you should trip because we are FLAT. Really?! Most of the penis area is FLAT. Most of the hair is on FLAT areas. I assure you that shaving the labia is just as tricky as shaving balls.
You need some serious liberation in the bedroom, my friend. You're living in a small box created by some antiquated and pornified ideas.
He's pretty right on about most of this. There is probably a little more to add to it also.
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